To the mountain I go

...

Thimphu is a beautiful city. It truly is. It is surrounded by high lush mountains and the sky is always this deep shade of healthy blue, the kind of blue you see when the air is crisp and clean. 

I've lived in this city my whole life and i have made so many memories in it. Now, I am not someone with hyperthymesia, but I do have some unique memories which I fondly associate with the city. But that is a topic for another day. 

Today, I'll talk about the day I decided to go to the mountain. 

I live in x. The apartment I live in is located next to X high school. My bedroom window has a panoramic view of the high mountains in the west. The sun sets over those horizons. Sometimes, it is a light shade of pink across the sky and sometimes it is a somber grey of fall. The mountains from afar draw a strange feeling of calling. The mountain is alive and always inviting. Every time I look at those mountains, the desire to just let it all go and face the mountain comes to me. I need courage to be that bold and take the first step, instead of procrastinating. 

This one afternoon, I did feel low. I suppose my problem cannot equate to someone who has to live with hunger and cold but nevertheless they are problems that were making me low. With no place to vent it out, those emotions were eating my insides. You can tell yourself, let it go and move on, but mind always latches on to things that are ugly and unpleasant. Strange mind but these are experiences not unique to me.

From my window, the horizon over the mountain is a flat line. I've always wondered what it would be like to run along the edge of those mountains. It feels so inviting. The mountains calls out to me constantly.

And this one day I decided to heed to that calling. I told myself, I have courage, I have confidence. 

I wear a comfortable legging. I wear a warm sweater. I put some fresh water in the bottle. I pack some food to eat in case I get hungry on the way. The decision is sudden, and it took only few minutes for me to get ready. My 11-year-old daughter is eyeing me. Mom, where are you going, she asks. I say, I'm heading to the mountain. She thinks it is a joke. I have never done that. My husband is next door with his laptop. He's far away despite our close proximity. Things are not so good with us these days. These are one of those days when we are cold and numb. Days like these do come and go but when it comes, it's hard and it's not nice. Today I need some perspective. Today I need to climb a mountain.  

Ok, I'm going, I tell my daughter. She hugs me tight, one of those bone-crunching hugs she gives. Always packed with magic and fairy dust. She always hugs me, and I always hug her. Everyday. 

I'm out of the door. I reach the bottom of the stairs. I've completed my climb down from the apartment, three floors down. Suddenly, I'm starting to feel stupid, and I question my sanity. What the heck am I doing, I tell myself. I'm out of character. Courage and confidence, I make a new mantra in my head. And I start to walk. I start to sprint.

It takes half an hour to walk to the base of the mountain. I look up and the scene is different. The giant I see before me looks nothing like the scene I see from the window. My head is tilted back and I look up. I can do this, I say, and I start climbing up.

Few steps up into the woods and tears start pouring down my face. I start crying and it is strange and unexpected. Have I been bottling them in for some time? I stop for a while, letting all those tears come out. Sadness comes out with those downpours. 

I then walk up. I can't wait to reach up to the summit, I can't wait to reach the marker I've marked from my window.

...

My heart thumps in my chest. Sweat rains down like water over me. Every once in a while, I make a stop from the uphill climb, and I look down at the city. The houses and everything that makes up the city are scattered in a random fashion from high up here. I fix my gaze to a point to make sense of the puzzle I see before me. From this vintage point, I can see the tenement I live in, but everything looks small, even my qualm and worry. If I am the eye in the giant mountain, the city looked like an anthill and its people a speck. Do we comprehend the day of an ant? Does the mountain think about the strange lives of the people living downhill? 

As my heart slows down its beat, I once again take on the climb. I stop a while and climb again. This is an untraveled route, at this hour of the day. There is no one ahead of me and there is no one behind. I'm strangely all alone and free, on the edge of this mountain that I climb. I don't feel any sense of worry. The view of the city is always there. Every once in a while, i turn my back and look down. I'm glad to be getting further and further away from the city. 

At some point of time, I do reach where I want to be, but I want to push further. I see a group of people going beyond the point of my destination. I intuitively know they are heading to x. I've never been there, and I want to keep going. So, I follow the route they are taking. This is taking me further than the point I decided to go. I say, courage and confidence to myself. 

I walk. I stop. My head is blank. The tiredness does take all thinking and thoughts away. I'm breathing heavy but a calmness has overtaken me. I feel safe and I don't feel any sense of worry. So, I continue to walk up and up, I am getting further and further from the city. I'm going further away from the tenement I live in. I am going further and further away from my family. 

When I reach the summit of x, it is beautiful. I think I need to come back again, not alone. 

Prayers flags flutter in the winds. The temples are quite and out worldly. Time does run a slow pace in this place I feel. I take a seat and focus my gaze up on the blue sky and on the clouds drifting by. They are moving. They seem to be grooving. What strange beauty. What strange sight. As I walk deeper, the forest starts to get denser. If bears are not hibernating, it may not be a safe path ahead. So, I decide, this is the point of return. I tell myself, I need to be safe for people I love and those who love me. 

I turn back. I've completed the climb. I should now go back home. As I think this, a sudden gush of eagerness swipes over me. My heart is in a hurry and my feet is eager to take flight. I climb down. I sprint and take long strides. I start to think of my daughter. Has she taken her lunch? I start to think that she needs a bath. My heart travels many miles ahead. I can't wait to get home.